Just another complete mess. The waffles were bad, the jokes are bad, my hair looks stupid, and at one point I burp on camera. If you were expecting anything more, you need to rewatch the first three episodes and get with the program.
When you subscribe to stock photo sites, sometimes you can become desperate in your attempt to find the perfect image. Nothing seems right, and before you know it, you’ve slipped down a search term rabbit hole that is dark and fearsome.
That’s how I ended up searching for “sexy, rugged man.” And boy did Big Stock deliver. Boy, oh boy. And by deliver, I mean help me to discover THE sexy, rugged man. The one of whom the scrolls have foretold. BEHOLD! No matter what variety of rugged man you desire, Sexy Rugged Man has you covered! Continue reading →
I had a pretty solid morning—productive, social, healthy. But now I’m wondering if I died at some point between when I left the house and when I arrived at Barnes & Noble for coffee… like a real asshole. Who meets for coffee at B&N in a town where, like, 90% of the businesses are locally owned coffee shops? This mastermind asshole, that’s who. Today was forecasted to be the perfect traffic storm of Friday + SXSW + Obama’s motorcade, so I thought, Where can I go suck on some caffeine without having to fight off a bunch of hipsters who want to talk about vinyasa yoga and Grandpa Bernie? See? Now you get it. I’m a genius. Continue reading →
As an indie author, there’s really nothing more magical than holding a hard copy of my book in my hand for the first time.
I imagine holding your child in your arms for the first time might feel similarly invigorating, but books don’t ruin your social life for eighteen years and then bankrupt you because they want to attend NYU (or literally any four-year university at this point) but didn’t bother applying for scholarships.
Anyway, books are awesome. There’s a tactile experience that you get from reading a book that is unique and gratifying. Nothing like being able to feel the gradual shift in weight from your right hand to your left over a period of hours as you burn through one page after another. And then there’s the smell. Mmm…
Guess what! I have a new book coming out next month called A Single’s Guide to Texas Roadways. A lot is about to be happening with it in the next few weeks, including an announcement of the official release date and the cover reveal. If you’re signed up for my mailing list, The Collective, then you’ll be the first to know as each important tidbit becomes available—this includes any promotions, giveaways, etc. You should sign up, is what I’m saying, because this is going to be a big year for my personal brand (I’ve officially become the thing I hate).
Oprah’s been making her list of favorite things for years, and I think it’s finally time someone stop her. Things have gotten out of hand. You ask the average person to list off their five favorite things they own, and “truffle” will probably not make the list. For the average person, her favorite things are those that keep her from wanting to just sort of lie down in the middle of her gross, carpeted living room floor, hoping that no one finds her there while she waits for God to give her a sign—any sign—that there exists a reason to get up off the ground. Right? I feel like that’s right. Continue reading →
Some of you may already be familiar with the amazingemails from my apartment complex. The main office is that adult whose helicopter parent has never really let it experience the harshness of the world, and now it’s basically crying itself to sleep every night.
There’s something that became clear to me around puberty, and it really hasn’t changed: I don’t feel like a woman. To clarify, I didn’t feel like a woman before puberty and then suddenly stop feeling like a woman; I’ve never felt particularly woman-y.
I should probably clarify that I don’t feel like a man, either. That’s especially important to note since I’m still technically a newlywed and don’t want to freak out my in-laws who might read this. Continue reading →
In our overachieving society, the words “mediocre” and “average” have a negative connotation, when in reality, they should be neutral. We can’t all be go-getters, and by definition, we can’t all be above average. Whether from sheer laziness, hormonal imbalance, or early childhood cranial trauma, some of us will just never be Highly Effective People. But we can all be slightly effective, and that can be good enough.
I was a big fan of Choose Your Own Adventure books as a kid. They allowed me to control some of the action, and rather than watching the protagonist slip into some stupid drama that could have easily been solved through better communication or not going into the basement, I got to choose where the story went. I think the intention was to empower kids, but it also could have been to sell a lot of books. The problem, though, was that sometimes this happened: Continue reading →
Let’s just come out and say it: your life sucks compared to your friends’. I know you’ve suspected it for a while, and I’m here to tell you that your suspicions are correct. You know how I know? Because while you were washing your dishes and thinking about whether your day would be better served drinking coffee alone or drinking beer alone, your friends and I were at a coffee house, then at a bar, taking the best selfies of our lives and generally living it up. Continue reading →
When I worked at a private academy full of kids from wealthy families, I mentioned that I didn’t have cable TV. I had to explain that it was because cable TV cost money, and I didn’t really have that. A small riot of indignation erupted, and I had to squash their plans for a benefit 5K for me, which is how problems are solved in that type of community. (Later that day, before I pulled out of the parking lot, I scooted underneath the hood of my ’96 Accord and punched the plastic cover until it went back into place before wishing I’d graciously accepted the offer of a benefit run for me so that I could have a car that was younger than at least one of my students.) Continue reading →
With the verdict on the Ferguson trial only hours behind us, there’s been a lot of talk about police brutality, which begs the question: Why do we even have police anymore? I certainly can’t think of any reasons. So here you have 7 reasons why we don’t need cops. Continue reading →
If you haven’t already read the New York Times’ interview with Jaden and Willow Smith, you’re going to want to do that before you even touch this post with a twenty-foot pole. Read it here.
Now, normally, I wouldn’t make fun of a fourteen- and sixteen-year-old (not true, they’re the best targets, especially online), and I’m about 3k words behind on NaNoWriMo, but I just felt compelled, because while Will Smith has saved the world multiple times and in multiple ways, there’s just no way in hell he will be able to save us from his own kids. Continue reading →
My apartment complex, along with having a great dog park, has some of the most insulting and idiotic emails I’ve ever seen. I’ve begun to think of these emails as one of the “many amenities” they always brag about. Every time they send one out, I drop whatever I’m doing and open it, because, hey, ridicule is fun, and sometimes I just want to call someone an idiot. Continue reading →