We are all pigs…

Today marks the anniversary of Jessica McCloud’s nativity, or the start of the A.G.C. calendar. What year are we on, you ask? Whichever one you feel allows you more freedom to party like it’s 0 A.G.C. Or 21 A.G.C.

Here are some recommendations for how you can celebrate the birth of God’s only begotten daughter (that are things you might want to do anyway):

  • Drink a Dos Equis on the couch while watching TV. When you’re done, drink another.
  • Watch a nature documentary narrated by David Attenborough
  • Pretend to smite a grackle
  • Explore your body in a private setting
  • Found a church
  • Treat yourself to a brinner (breakfast for dinner) of gluten-free pancakes and Jimmy Dean sausage
  • Gift a Jessica Christ book to a friend on Amazon
  • Get high and toss around a football
  • Make out with your significant other in a truck bed
  • Watch a Kenneth Branagh film
  • Leave a review for your favorite Jessica Christ book
  • Make condom balloon animals
  • Listen to Dave Matthews Band (to listen to the Spotify playlist I listened to while writing Nu Alpha Omega, click here)
  • Shout the words “Jessica Christ!” in a crowded room (I promise it’s fun)
  • Do something nice for someone else who probably doesn’t deserve it

The possibilities are endless. Mix and match, if you like. Personally, I’ll be doing most of these (not saying which ones, though).

But it isn’t really about sticking to the books. It’s about using the books as an excuse to indulge yourself in a way that doesn’t harm others. So let me know in the comments how you plan on celebrating.

Sumus omnes porcos,
-H. Claire


Morning Deficits

I’m not really sure where I got the idea that people wake up refreshed in the morning. But it’s something I’ve always believed was the standard. People sleep, they wake up, they feel refreshed, their minds don’t immediately start negotiation and rearranging their calendar for the day so that they can get, say, three more hours of sleep that’s obviously gonna be restless but at least it’s horizontal time! Continue reading


So about last night…

One question: What in the fiery flying fuck?

Waking up with my head pounding, wondering what happened the night before, feeling shame, embarrassment, trepidation, asking myself where I go from here—this used to be a situation only copious doses of alcohol could usher into my life. Granted, there was a little bit of wine involved last night and maybe that’s why I’m still feeling nauseated, but probably not. Continue reading

Just The Beginning

Just popping in to announce that my new book, The Beginning, is launching today!

So yeah, this is a sales pitch, but if you read my blog, I think you’ll genuinely like what I’m trying to sell you. And for a limited time it’s only $0.99, so even if you don’t like it, you’ve probably spent a dollar on worse things. Much worse things. Things you wouldn’t tell even your closest friends, things that would haunt the dreams of any decent person…

Anyway, click the cover to download it out on Amazon.com.


Check it out! And if you like it, book 2 is already available for pre-order and will be out at the end of the month. Yeah, this month. And then book 3 will be out next month. Yeah, that month. See why I haven’t been posting lately? I’ve been writing and publishing three fucking books. And there are even more in the series that still need to be written and edited and formatted and published.

Shit. What have I gotten myself into?


Sexy Rugged Man: A Tragicomedy

When you subscribe to stock photo sites, sometimes you can become desperate in your attempt to find the perfect image. Nothing seems right, and before you know it, you’ve slipped down a search term rabbit hole that is dark and fearsome.

That’s how I ended up searching for “sexy, rugged man.” And boy did Big Stock deliver. Boy, oh boy. And by deliver, I mean help me to discover THE sexy, rugged man. The one of whom the scrolls have foretold. BEHOLD! No matter what variety of rugged man you desire, Sexy Rugged Man has you covered! Continue reading


HEB: A Nightmare

I had a pretty solid morning—productive, social, healthy. But now I’m wondering if I died at some point between when I left the house and when I arrived at Barnes & Noble for coffee… like a real asshole. Who meets for coffee at B&N in a town where, like, 90% of the businesses are locally owned coffee shops? This mastermind asshole, that’s who. Today was forecasted to be the perfect traffic storm of Friday + SXSW + Obama’s motorcade, so I thought, Where can I go suck on some caffeine without having to fight off a bunch of hipsters who want to talk about vinyasa yoga and Grandpa Bernie? See? Now you get it. I’m a genius. Continue reading